So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
