just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
