I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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