wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
