It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
