I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
