This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
