remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
