dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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