Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
