Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
