I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Randomize
