his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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