we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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