Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize