My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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