i was born a porn star she said
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
