time to smoke my breakfast
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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