The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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