I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
