His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
