i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
