dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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