I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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