Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
