Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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