the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize
