i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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