Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Randomize
