Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
