No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
