So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
