the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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