I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
