I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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