"it" just moved
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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