Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
