Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
