I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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