actually, I'm a sock model
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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