We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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