Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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