Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
