spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
being pregnant is like rehab
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize