Kiss
Puke
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
