Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
