She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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