Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
she peed on how many people?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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