hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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