my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
