I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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