I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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