Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
