There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
