someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
