the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I'm really busy with my period
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