I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
