Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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