I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
