I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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