Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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