what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
