It's Friday. Sex?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
