What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
