Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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