You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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