Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
A+ Viking dick
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
